chandrarueff1961-yasmb

A really bad day.

Yet another celebration of life for my brother, who died 3 years ago. I love him and I miss him. I can’t just call him anymore. It hurts. My sister-in-law, who is amazing, put this celebration together to spread his ashes, I spent hours to prepare my remarks and the stuff I wanted to bring to honor him, and I fucked it up. I wrote too much to present, I half-assed the presentation, and I talked too much about what other people had to say, and I didn’t do what I wanted to do, and nobody seemed to want to hear about it anyway.

I spent the whole day inside of myself instead of really paying attention to everyone else in my family who had important things to say. My daughter was sick and I couldn’t even attend to her. Thankfully, her new husband did. They just left. I had two beers at a late lunch with the whole group, and all I want to do is get 6 more. I’m not going to, but I am at a total loss as what I can do to help myself feel better.

The part that I never say to anyone is that I just don’t feel like I belong in this world. I don’t fit into any of the niches that it seems to offer. But I wonder, would the next life be any better? Or any different? I can’t answer those questions, but I do know that I don’t belong here. There’s nothing I can do about it because there are people I would hurt if I just left. i’ve tried to leave, but it just made things worse. So I choose to stay. I CHOOSE to stay.

I don’t belong here. I want to stay in my house and never go out to have to talk with another human being ever again. I feel like I’m mourning for the person that I could have been, if I didn’t have Bipolar Disorder and PTSD and all of the other acronyms I have. I want to be the person that everyone else wants me to be, who is that person that I’m mourning.

I really wanted to write something beautiful today, but this is all I have. I have been holding my head in my hands and sobbing and asking, “Why?” “What is the point?” I don’t make people happy, but somehow I think I would hurt them if I just left. Why? Why me? I don’t wish it onto anyone else, but why do I have to feel so worthless? Why do I have to go on like this?

Ugh. I’m not going to get answers today. I’m going to the one place that I know will accept me – my bed. But I don’t think I’ll ever want to get up.